RING! RING! RING!
“Hiya. That is Dick Yarbrough, your modest and much-beloved columnist talking. How could I make it easier to?
“Dickie, it’s your outdated pal, Artie!”
“Artie? Artie who?”
“Artie Fishel, of Artie Fishel Intelligence. Certainly, you keep in mind me.”
“Ah, sure. You’re the robotic factor that known as me a while again and informed me that Artie Fishel Intelligence was prepared to interchange me within the paper as a result of you realize the place to place commas, may simply clarify Euclidean geometry and that you just converse 7,000 languages. In your info, my readers don’t care about the place I put commas so long as they see one each infrequently. And they’re extra keen on trigonometric features as an answer to differential equations than Euclidean geometry. I hear that on a regular basis. As for talking 7,000 languages …”
“Uh, that’s what I’d to speak to you about, sir. I would like your help with a language downside I’m having.”
“Artie Fishel Intelligence is having a language downside? You’ve bought to be kidding! As we are saying in Bhojpuri, ‘Kana usa ka hoot.’”
“Truly, that’s Cebuano, not Bhojpuri. However, sure, I’m having a substantial amount of hassle understanding your Southern language. Nothing in my binary codes and mathematical algorithms appears to work. For instance, after I hear the phrase ‘mater,’ my response is that’s Latin for ‘mom,’ which is suitable everywhere in the world, however not in Rentz or Cadwell. They are saying a ‘mater’ is an edible berry of the plant Solanum lycopersicum and greatest served sliced on white bread with plenty of mayonnaise. That is unnecessary.”
“It does to the parents in Rentz and Cadwell.”
“And lots of of your Southern colleagues appear to have an abiding curiosity in crusing. I hold getting requested about yawl which as you realize is a two-masted crusing vessel with the mizzen mast positioned abaft – or behind – the rudder inventory. A caller in Cherry Log requested me, ‘How yawl doing?’ I mentioned, ‘To my information, most yawls at present appear to be in shipshape situation, thanks.’ He mentioned, ‘Yawl didn’t reply my query, Mr. Artie Fishel Intelligence,’ and hung up on me. What ought to I’ve mentioned?”
“Subsequent time simply say, ‘We’re all fantastic. How’s momma ‘n them?’”
“And also you Southerners and your obsession with repairing issues. I had a caller in Social Circle ask for my recommendation about fixing supper. I didn’t know the way to reply. Nothing in my variational encoder has ready me for repairing a meal which, by the way in which, in a lot of the civilized world known as dinner. I can repair a thermonuclear reactor or a lawnmower – however supper? What’s there to repair? Simply throw it out and begin over. That’s what I say.”
“You’ve bought loads to study about the South, Artie.”
“Sure, I should agree. When a Tsongan in Southern Mozambique says ‘Avuxeni,’ I all the time reply by saying ‘vana na siku lerinene.’ However it has taken me a very long time to determine that within the South ‘Hello U’ shouldn’t be a fruit punch however is your method of claiming, ‘hi there.’ And if you carry grandma to the grocery retailer, you haven’t hefted the poor factor in your shoulders. You will have possible pushed her there. And {that a} ranch shouldn’t be a selection the place the buffalo roam and the skies usually are not cloudy all day, however quite a software one makes use of to interchange the sparkplugs in a single’s ’69 Ford pickup truck.”
“Artie you could be smarter than I’ve provide you with credit score for. You see, we’re fairly sensible within the South and there’s nothing artificial about it. We could speak gradual however we don’t assume gradual. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m fixing me a sliced mater on white bread with plenty of mayonnaise. You should strive it. I promise it’s plum good.”
“Hmm. I believed a plum was a fruit with origins in China. I’ve a lot to study about the South however I’m fixing to just do that, Bubba!”
You possibly can attain Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Field 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.